Today was also supposed to be a busy day - a day full of interviews at work, followed by karate and a cub scout den meeting. Just as I was about to start my first interview, my friend and co-den leader who is also the mother to my oldest son's best friend called to tell me that her oldest daughter had just passed away. She was 18 and severely disabled, but this was unexpected and I am still in shock. I feel so helpless and sad for my friend, and for Jason's little friend who just lost his big sister. I don't know what to do - I want to be there for her, but I also want to give her space if she needs it. I have no frame of reference. I've lost a parent and friends, but I can't even conceive of losing my child. I have been emotional all day, but I made it through the workday, and then went to karate to yell and kick and punch out my anger and frustration with impunity. The kids and I went to the cub scout meeting just in case someone didn't get my email letting them know what happened, and I'm glad I did, because someone showed up. Then, I came home and cuddled with my kids and thanked God for every day I have with them.

At bedtime, I didn't draw the line at two stories like I usually do. The third book they pulled out tonight is one that makes me feel weepy on a good day, and I couldn't make it through the book without crying tonight - Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch.

It is a beautiful story about a mother's love for her son, and the song she sings to him about how he will always be her baby no matter how big he grows. At the end, the tables are turned as the grown man is now rocking his dying mother and singing to her about how she will always be his Mommy. Being a mother has been the most profound and rewarding experience in my life, and the thought of losing one of my children terrifies me. I know my friend isn't reading this, but if she were, I would want her to know that I love her, and I'm here for her, and I am so, so sorry.